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6 Red-Hot Positions To Spice Up Your Portfolio

Maybe you feel like you’ve lost that spark in the bedroom office. Maybe you just want to try something new. Whatever it is, here are 6 red-hot positions to spice up your portfolio. 

1. Long every crypto

This is a fun one if you’re into financial domination. If you do this, there is no doubt that you will be broke in mere days. So, start looking for a Sugar Daddy.

2. Meme stocks only

This is a position to keep your portfolio lighthearted and fun, but the spark will only last about a week. Enjoy it while it lasts. 

3. Naked calls

Nothing’s more exciting than the risk of absolute ruin. Naked calls aren’t just something you can get on a phone sex hotline, they are a far-too-risky gamble with a middling upside, sort of like auto-erotic asphyxiation.

4. Drugs

Sometimes a little chemical assistance is needed. Invest in weed and mushrooms and LSD stocks, and you’ll forget all about the money you lost on naked calls. 

5. Short Big Tech

Great for masochists who enjoy pain. Watch your net worth crumble as these monopolies grow ever-powerful. Sexy!

6. Cash out

If you read this entire list, you need to find a new hobby. Invest your time in your children instead of wasting it spending money on imaginary companies. You disgust me.