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7 Tips For Hiding From Your Spouse After Spending Their 401K On Magic: The Gathering Cards Again

And just like that, it’s happened again: what was an innocent trip for a couple dozen MTG booster packs with your weekly “fun money” turned into an all-out binge for a Time Walk and an array of Mox gems when you figured out your spouse’s Vanguard password and withdrew their entire 401k. It’s the ultimate double-edged sword. Hey — at least they’re real cards this time.

But now, you’ve got precious little time to properly cloak yourself before they tap their Lightning Bolt and end your relationship. Here are the 7 best places to hide from your main squeeze when they get their monthly statement:

1. The bathroom

Maybe it’s time for a very “inconvenient” stomach ache until they calm down. You can take anywhere from 2 hours to 2 months; nobody knows your body as well as you do.

2. Inside Your Dresser

Hiding in the closet is way too obvious; the dresser is absolutely the way to go. Fold yourself up like your dressiest sweatpants and ride out the storm. Bonus: you’ll be able to hear when she leaves in the morning, too!

3. Behind some cleverly placed art

Yeah, you fought against buying that replica of Michaelangelo’s “David” when your spouse found it on Craigslist. Now it might be the key to the only place in the house you can safely exist.

4. The Sharper Image

Literally no one has been inside one for years. Sure, you won’t blend in, but it’s also guaranteed absolutely nobody will look for you there.

5. Inside a Cherry Red ‘67 Camaro Hard Top

If buying a rare Fresh Start means you need your own fresh start, grab some shades and start a whole new you. After all, your deck is now stacked with Preventative Measures, so tap that Manifest Destiny hard & fast. Those lands can provide some much-needed manna.

6. On the field at FirstEnergy Stadium in Cleveland, Ohio

Which starting member of the Cleveland Browns do you look like the most? It doesn’t matter; they’re the Cleveland Browns — a doppelganger isn’t necessary here. Show up wearing the uniform and they’ll just be grateful you’re there. You might have to lean into a totally new identity with far more head trauma than before, but it’ll be worth it.

7. Magic: the Gathering Tournaments

If she’s that pissed at you for blowing her life savings on MTG, you can bet your bottom forcefield she won’t follow you inside a Magic tournament. Sure, she might yell at you from the doorway, but who cares? You’re in, baby! Tap that Black Lotus all the way to the top!