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Markets Drop After Day Traders Move Cash to Gambling Apps

As football season kicks into play, the stock market has seen an incredible decrease in liquidity with major indices bleeding deep crimson, painful red while sports gambling runs toward the redzone for a score. Odds are day traders are completely at fault because they are now moving money to sports via gambling apps or “sports investment” apps as they call them, say experts.

“These so-called day trader sports investors will be the death of the financial market,” declared popular CNBC analyst Jim Cramer. “The American economy is getting thrashed like a ‘90s stockbroker’s coke budget because of them. But look folks, I gotta tell yeah, these kids might be on to something by rotating their money in the sports investment sector. Oh sure, they are wrecking the hopes and dreams of retirees everywhere, but they are leading the charge. My money is riding with theirs, and yours should be too.”

However, this new crop of stay-at-home bro sports investors say they learned lessons after the market ‘rekt’ and dumped them in the trash like a prom baby.

“I mean investing is investing, right?,” said former day trader turned professional sports investor Bladen Bettany. Now Bladen is investing in brands he likes, such as NFL teams, college football teams, and his favorite mixed martial arts fighters.

“I’m investing so I can watch my money grow just like those Wall Street guys, and right now I am bullish on a few teams like the Jacksonville, the Wyoming Cowboys, and a badass MMA chick who is fine as hell. A lot of these suits want me to invest in crap like Apple, well can Apple throw a football 95 years down the field? No. So we are all cashin’ out the market and making money moves.”

Bladen says market investors are looking for easy money without all the stock market drama. “Look man. I am tired of losing dollars in Saved by the Bell pump ‘n’ dumps, weed stocks and Cumrocket, that’s why I am going all in on the Jets.”