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Amazon Crime Day Set to Support Local Package Thieves to The Tune of $2 Billion

Buffalo, NY – With Amazon’s annual Prime day behind us the busy season for package thieves like Raymond Steffens is now officially in full swing. “Shit that 2 day shipping is a god send. Gives me more time to get organized and focus on logistics.”

He notes that the pandemic has given people in his trade more work but lower earnings. “Man used to be you’d see an Amazon box and you knew you were getting some good electronics, an iPhone or Playstation. Sometime some housewares but now since Covid hit, like a third of these boxes is just masks and hand sanitizer. I can’t trade a mask for my medicine.” After some prodding Steffens indicated his medicine was mostly illegal opioids and methamphetamine.

Porch Pirates across the country wait for Amazon Crime Day every year with lightning deals on TV’s meaning big flat boxes that are easily identifiable. Record setting Prime Day sales mean this year’s haul is set to boost the industry by a whopping $2 billion and in turn stimulate local black market economies from coast to coast.

Citing Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos’ spectacular wealth, Stevens attempts to paint himself as a yellow fingered Robin Hood armed with a crumpled soft pack quiver and Newport 100 arrows. “Way I see it this is a victimless crime.”

When we tried to explain to him that the victims were the customers who’d actually paid for the products he told us to “Fuck off.” Stevens then yelled “You know how hard it is to run 6 blocks with a 55″ LED on 2 bad knees?”

As of this writing Amazon is reportedly beginning to arm Ring Doorbell camera’s with tasers to combat the problem in 2021.