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Amazon Introduces New Indentured Servitude Benefit Plan for Employees

Amazon Founder and Executive Chairman Jeff Bezos has announced that the e-commerce giant will now be offering an indentured servitude plan as part of the company’s new benefit roll-out. The majority of employees will be able to enroll starting next quarter while some lucky souls have already been selected as part of a test group.

Bezos told us, “We really feel like this rewards the employees who have no other choice. Our serfs, I mean team members, will be guaranteed a position as long as they live and a nice spot to sleep in the warehouse.” We spoke to one employee who wanted to remain anonymous, “They tricked me into signing up for it. My Prime bill had gotten very high and they called me into the office and said this was the only way to work it off.Then they pricked my finger and made me sign some weird scroll with the blood. I was only supposed to be seasonal.”

The newly designed benefit comes at a time when many large corporations are offering incentives to attract and keep lower paid employees. Amazon seeks to circumvent that by legally owning the rights to their employees’ labor. The plan includes a bi-weekly meal, calisthenics training, and performances of “Unions Suck- The Musical” by the CPAC Players.

Detractors to the new efforts by Amazon have a different view. An ACLU spokesperson said, “It’s slavery. Literal slavery. For God’s sake there’s a clause in there that an employee’s children can be brought on if the parent isn’t meeting metrics.”