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Amazon Stops Drug Testing Because it Goes Against No Bathroom Break Policy

Shares of cannabis stocks Canopy Growth and Tilray are up over the past few weeks after Amazon announced it will stop testing employees for weed. “Earth’s Best Employer” has been using urine samples for years as a way to screen applicants, but in a blog post sent to all US employees, Dave Clark (CEO of Worldwide Consumer Division) explained that the testing went against Amazon’s policy of not letting employees use the bathroom.

“It was a tough call,” Clark wrote. “Employee misery is one of our company’s highest values, but making money is up there too, they’re basically tied for first. Completely changing our stance on something because we can now profit from it is in our mission statement, but to let workers use weed recreationally would make them happy, and that’s uncharted territory for us. We ended up realizing that every time we do a urine test for marijuana, the employee gets to feel relief, so we could justify the change that way.”

When contacted by Hard Money about whether all drug testing would now stop, Clark answered that there would still be testing for other substances. “There are still lots of drugs we can’t make money from, so we’ll be continuing some tests,” he explained. “However, letting our workers pee needs to be discontinued across the board, so the tests will now be done by extracting blood. Drones will stab the workers in the back on their way through the warehouses. We feel this is a sensible way of balancing employee pain and the status quo.”

Amazon has been in an ongoing battle with Apple over who treats their employees worse, and the new change to drug testing may give Amazon the edge. “Apple built nets outside factories to cut down on suicides,” Clark mused. “That’s one of the top trophies for a large company dedicated to employee suffering. We hope our newest change might make us ‘net worthy’ too.”