In today’s age of disruption and innovation, one entertainment giant is bucking the trend. AMC Theatres, the longstanding mainstay for teens looking to score some over-the-clothes action, has skyrocketed in value without changing literally anything about their business.
“Open the theater, close your mind” said one AMC executive, who asked not to be named because it would require additional calorie burn. “I mean, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? Our customers love us for our consistency. They can forever expect to pay $8 to see a predictable action movie in a broken chair where everything is sticky and the ticket is actually $19.”
Avoiding anything that might be considered new and different or humane is “just not really something we’re interested in,” added the executive. “Bringing Raisinets to the snack bar in 1986 was a huge fucking risk, ok? And look how that turned out. We are still selling the same initial batch.”
When asked if outside market forces or reddit investors could have anything to do with AMC’s rising market cap, the executive leaned across the out-of-order butter dispenser and replied, “what is a market force? We aren’t paying for another Star Wars.”
The perennial meatloaf of weekend activities isn’t without inspiration. “I’ll tell you what, those GameStop guys really have their act together. I mean, ‘stop’ is in their name. Do not innovate at all costs. That’s something we can really relate to.”
Asked to provide further insight into this polarizing strategy, Blockbuster declined to comment.