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Analyst Clarifies Market Is Overweight But Still Beautiful

NEW YORK — Since labeling the stock market ‘overweight’, analyst Jim Donner has clarified it is still ‘beautiful’, sources confirm.

“I love my curvy market,” Donner stated while penning an apology for the previous label. “I am all about image positivity. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being overweight or underweight. The market is beautiful inside and out. In fact, I actually prefer when it’s overweight because it always perform much better. Takes a little extra time to see gains in the portfolio, but an overweight market will always get it up eventually. Some people complain it’s too difficult to make money, but for me, I love how hard an overweight market makes it… especially when it comes from behind.”

Though many agree with Donner’s assessment, there are still investors turned off by an overweight market.

“I just find it unattractive in every way, I’m sorry if that’s a hot take or whatever, but it’s the truth,” commented Karl Pjotr. “I don’t like any junk in my portfolio either — no bloated stocks, underweight, overweight, none of it. I like my market calm and relaxed. If I can lay in bed all day with my coffee and crossword puzzle, and casually pick up securities without stress, I’m into it. When you fetishize an overweight market, you’re just asking for trouble. Trust me, I shorted Amazon once.”

Prior to clarifying his stance, Donner saw an influx of internet comments and hate mail due to his labelling of the market.

“I saw he called it overweight and I immediately jumped into action to defend it,” exclaimed Twitter user @bdy+nextd00r355, via direct message. “Any weight is beautiful, and we need to encourage the market to live it’s truth. It’s time we stop Vix-shaming, and accept the shape and contours of the market. If it wants to drop the weight, fine. If it wants to stay bloated, also fine. If it decides to steal all of your money because you got too excited by it’s size, even better.”

At press time, the New York Stock Exchange itself added, “It really doesn’t matter if the traders are interested in me, whether they like it or not, I’ll still screw them.”