NEW YORK — Market analyst Chad Lapkus, a notorious skeptic of Anheuser-Busch, recently upgraded their stock to ‘good enough’ after inheriting a few leftover shares from a friend, sources allege.
“My buddy Brad had a bunch of shares, but didn’t sell them all, so he left the extras at my house, and I was kinda like, well, I don’t like it, but it’s better than nothing!” Lapkus stated. “It’s a truly terrible stock, and I would never buy it, but if it’s free, yeah, it’ll do in a pinch.”
Brad Carter, Lapkus’ friend who left him the shares, confirmed he hadn’t even realized he lost them.
“Those Busch stocks are like, whatever, it’s like buying stock in water or something, who cares, they’re community stocks, I brought them for everyone,” Carter commented. “If he’s enjoying them, I’m happy. I honestly forgot I ever even had them. I’ll just get more next week.”
Anheuser-Busch CEO Carlos Brito has confirmed he is not only fine with the outlook, it’s his target rating.
“We don’t need to stand out or anything, that’s when things get volatile, we’d rather stay a middle of the road, good old reliable stock you can just grab and not worry about,” Brito added. “We’re especially good for beginner traders who are just starting to wade into bev stocks. A calm and refreshing security that won’t make you millions but also won’t skunk your portfolio.”
Though not complaining, Lapkus has since requested friends only bring him shares of White Claw from now on, as the Anheuser-Busch stock has a tendency to bloat his portfolio.