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Apple Announces All-In-One System To Get, Diagnose Depression

With the addition of Apple’s depression-detection system, the tech superpower can finally roll out their long-awaited, all-in-one system to both get and diagnose depression.

“Our Get Depression feature has been standard since the first iPhone release in 2007,” explained CEO Tim Cook in his keynote address. “Now, after letting that work its magic for 14 years, we thought to ourselves, ‘What do our users need now more than ever?’ The answer: depression diagnosis.”

Apple realized that users were getting depression because they felt that, on the internet, their lives were on constant display and under constant scrutiny. That’s why the Diagnose Depression service will allow the phone to read your messages for depressive emotions and your photos for dismal expressions.

“We are so excited to help our loyal customers get through hard times,” continued Cook. “And by saving hundreds of dollars on psychological and psychiatric services, you will be able to buy AirPods.”

At press time, Apple released the first edition of their new depression treatment: iSSRI.