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Apple Builds Anti-Suicide Nets Around Investors Houses

Apple continues to be one of the most popular stocks for heavy, long term investors. Ryan Cohen, founder of Chewy, even made headlines last month when he announced Apple as one of only two stocks he had piled most of his $3.4 billion fortune into.

However, the giant technology company has proven to be volatile. Despite an increase in sales, Apple stock dropped after announcing a chip shortage that would affect sales in the September quarter, and there’s always the issue of Chinese technology crackdowns. Despite these concerning variables, investors breathed a sigh of relief Wednesday morning, when CEO Tim Cook promised to build anti-suicide nets around investors houses.

“We know there has been some confusion about the nets we placed around Chinese factories,” Cook told reporters. “People thought it was out of character for a company that obviously doesn’t value the lives of Asian workers to try and stop them from killing themselves, and that’s true. The nets were actually part of a test program, to determine their effectiveness. Now that we know they work, we can move forward with our goal of putting nets around the residences of our investors. We hope that added security will encourage people not to sell, even during periods of uncertainty.”

“What a relief,” shareholder Liam Windsor tweeted. “What a lot of people don’t tell you when you get into investing, is that no matter whether a stock goes up or down, it’s stressful. You’re always wondering whether you should buy, sell, or just hurl yourself out the window into peaceful oblivion. Now that I know there’s a net at the bottom, I can drink my coffee in peace.”

Apple was so pleased with the results, the company announced a plan to put nets around malls to prevent furious customers from hurling Genius Bar workers over the railings.