NEW YORK — Financial advisors, economists, and Wall Street veterans are debating whether we are entering a bull market, or if we can expect to have our financial portfolio totally fucked by economic forces beyond our controls like the dirty cucks that we are.
“While conventional wisdom and other obvious factors like prices declining seem to indicate that we are in a cuck market, to the average American, that sinking feeling of humiliation every time they log in to their Vanguard and Robinhood accounts is unmistakable,” explained financial advisor Morgan Woolley. “And as a financial advisor, I get to be a voyeur and watch it all go down. I love to watch.”
Novice day trader Arnie Gilmour has called the apparent cuck market an “exhilarating and painful thrill” unlike any he’s ever experienced.
“I always had a basic Roth IRA, but only recently got into day trading with my wife. It wasn’t until we started losing a significant chunk of our retirement savings that I realized what a kinky thrill a cuck market could be,” explained Gilmour while strapping a ball gag around his throat. “It’s even become a part of our date nights. I sit in the corner of the room while my wife sips a glass of wine, drapes herself across the bed and logs into her E-Trade account. There’s just something about seeing a big, strong disaster of an economy absolutely drain my wife’s account that is so sexy.”
While prices are dropping and likely will continue to decline, financial analyst Edgar Beltran noted there are actually several advantages to a cuck market.
“What many people don’t realize is that suffering through a humiliating cuck market can actually improve your relationship with your financial portfolio, with some traders reporting an increase in intimacy and aggressiveness,” said Beltran. “I mean, what better way to revitalize a stale relationship with your money than watching it get absolutely fucking railed by a totally savage market?”
Experts warn however that the cuck market may be ending soon, as some limp-dicked high-beta stocks are slightly outperforming alpha stocks.