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Area Man Trades In Chain Wallet For Equally Obnoxious Blockchain Wallet

In a futile attempt at maturing, area man Brad Purgent traded in his decades-old, leather chain wallet for an equally obnoxious blockchain wallet. In doing so, he also exchanged the wallet’s tattered five-dollar bill for 0.00015 BTC.

“I used to be a punk rager, but now I am a young trader,” said Purgent, reading from the fresh tattoo on his left arm. “One day I looked in the mirror and realized: there’s nothing more punk rock than putting your entire life-savings into a volatile, speculative currency.”

Widely recognized as a lateral move, Purgent has shifted the basis of his entire personality from edgy punk accessories to cryptocurrencies. This change left him precisely as annoying as he was before, an impressive feat for a self-improvement journey.

“Brad just talks about the crypto market just as much as he used to talk about Black Flag,” said a self-described colleague, Jamie Tynes. “And he tried to send me 0.0003 bitcoin instead of Venmoing me for dinner last week, so he may have just gotten worse.”

At press time, Purgent was considering selling his spike bracelet so he could double down on an Ethereum spike.