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ARK Invest Appoints Invisible Talking Dog as Chief Risk Officer

ARK Invest struck another blow for disruptive innovation today as it announced the promotion of Lothar, an invisible talking dog, to be its new Chief Risk Officer. The move marks a stunning rise to the top for the lovable canine who’s won the hearts of the investing world. After being found abandoned on the side of the road by founder Cathie Wood, Lothar went on to earn a BA from Good Boy University as well as an MBA from Doggy Harvard before making his mark in finance.

Lothar, who can only be seen and heard by founder Cathie Wood, has taken an increasingly important role at the firm in recent years. After initially serving as the catalyst for a series of hijinks and misadventures, many of which involved his seemingly insatiable appetite for hamburgers, he eventually settled down to become a key contributor at ARK Invest. Insiders claim that he played a major role in the development of ARKX, the recently launched space exploration ETF. “We put John Deere in there because Lothar likes to chase the tractors and bark at them,” explained Wood. “That’s so Lothar!”

Rumors that the dog does not actually exist have proven to be unfounded. “Every morning I fill a bowl of dog food and a bowl of water, and rest assured those bowls are mostly empty by the end of the day,” said ARK intern Rachel Hayes. “How do you explain that? I mean, I guess somebody could be emptying those bowls while I’m not looking, but come on, who would do that?”

In the meantime, the future looks bright for ARK’s furry friend. Asked if he planned to slow down any time soon, an exuberant Lothar–speaking through Woods–shook his head and said “Ruh-uh! Ruh-uh!”