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Autonomous Tesla Executes Perfect Hit-And-Run On Man Without Visible Wedding Ring Instead Of Child

Tesla achieved yet another stunning technological breakthrough this week as an autonomous Model Y executed a perfect hit-and-run. Instead of hitting a child improperly crossing the street, the Model Y swerved to hit a man walking on the opposite sidewalk before quickly fleeing the scene.

Tesla’s advanced AI decision-making system noticed that the man had no visible wedding ring. Given his age of about 50, the algorithm calculated that he likely led a very sad and lonely existence. The child, on the other hand, was a white male who appeared tall for his age. Tesla’s system quickly projected that the child was likely to either become a prolific right-handed pitcher in college, a successful businessman, or both.

“While this may seem like a difficult decision for us humans, the Model Y actually saw this as a no-brainer,” says Doug Ramos, a senior engineer at Tesla. “Based on the fact that the man was carrying a single grocery bag, likely containing alcohol, at 3pm on a Tuesday tells us that he was probably unemployed, and thus a leech to society.”

After the fatal accident, the Tesla quickly fled the scene. The car’s mapping system allowed it to avoid any intersections with traffic cameras, making it impossible for law enforcement to identify the vehicle.

“This is a huge win for the future of hit-and-run accidents,” explains Professor Carlton M. Powers, PhD and professor of robotics at the University of California-Berkeley. “Instead of a drunk guy hitting three innocent children and then futilely trying to flee on foot, hit-and-runs of the future will be much more efficient. Now, only the least-valuable victims will die, and getaway attempts will be more successful.”