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Bed Bath and Beyond Lives Up to Name, Launches Space Program

Shares of Bed Bath & Beyond (BBBY) exploded more than 30% on Wednesday as traders digested the retailer’s first quarter earnings. There were a lot of positives for the meme traders who sent the stock surging 40% earlier this month. The company’s same-store sales in key categories rose 7% from the first quarter of 2019. Additionally, the company’s gross profit margins rose 820 basis points. Most impressive though, was the company revealing they have launched a space program and are going to Mars.

“What did you think ‘Beyond’ meant?” CEO Mark Tritton asked reporters Tuesday. “Since this company was founded 50 years ago by Warren Eisenberg and Leonard Feinstein, our mission has been twofold; to provide consumers with high quality domestic merchandise, and to make humans a multi-planetary species.”

“Who do you really want on Mars?” Tritton continued. “Elon Musk will build sleek, shiny infrastructure that looks pretty, but he knows very little about comfort. The Bed Bath habitat will have all the luxuries you have grown accustomed to on Earth, and some additional ones like the Mars Dust Exfoliating Bathbomb.”

The BBBY spacecraft was unveiled following the press conference, sporting smooth lines and a clean porcelain finish. Harvey Pinkerton, a Reddit trader who had invested heavily in the company, tweeted that he was blown away by the reveal. “I’m actually not crazy about bathing,” Harvey wrote, “but I guess there’s people out there who take more than one shower a week! Leaving this planet though? Now that’s something I could get into.”