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Bill Ackman Announces That Mandatory Free U2 Album Will Accompany Every Purchase Of UMG Shares

Yesterday, much to the chagrin of certain retail investors, it came out that Bill Ackman’s SPAC Pershing Holdings was in talks to purchase 10% of Universal Music Group and potentially take the major music company public.

Well, much to the ire of retail investors yet again today, Bill Ackman came out in a bizarre press conference alongside Bono of U2 fame, making yet another market-shocking reveal.

“We are proud to announce a bold, original endeavor that no other major corporation has ever undertaken,” proclaimed Ackman to the confused press briefing crowd, “Every purchase of a UMG share will award retail investors with a mandated new U2 record that they never asked for!”

Consumers will be able to receive this surprise 23-track album in the form of a digital download, vinyl, cassette, NFT, or XML text file. Bono teased an eclectic ensemble guest list on the album, featuring the likes of other UMG titans like Kanye West, J-Balvin, Adele, Hoobastank, Madonna, Kevin Rudolf, Kendrick Lamar, Ariana Grande, Nickelback, Imagine Dragons, and The Wiggles. Although the album is untitled as of now, he also teased a prospective title.

“I’m really proud to be working with Mr. Ackman in doing meaningful philanthropic venture capitalist philanthropy stuff that will tangibly help the little guy in totally meaningful ways. Y’know, The Edge and I haven’t really settled on a title yet, but Meaningful Philanthropic Venture Capitalist Philanthropy Stuff might just be the one.”

When asked where the album’s portion of the share proceeds would actually go, Bono declined to comment.

“You unenlightened insolvents should be GLAD I’m sweeping in as your savior! Don’t ask where it’s going; ask how we can meaningfully go forward together toward exciting new frontiers!”

Ackman attempted to comment, but the comment was immediately flagged, redacted, and copyright claimed by the Universal Music Group. But when a reporter asked him if retail investors would be frustrated by the forced nature of the album, Ackman cordially assured detractors to “shut the fuck up.”

“What’s a few extra megabytes worth bitching about anyways? You Tik Tok zoomers probably have most of your hard drive space eaten up by Fortnite or Among Us Rule 34 or whatever the latest ‘in’ thing’s now anyway!”

The briefing finished early, with Ackman and Bono strongly assuring the press that they should still consider investing in UMG despite the controversial business venture.

“We’re giving you FREE Chad Kroeger and Kevin Rudolf, people! Chad Kroeger and Kevin Rudolf, finally together on ONE RECORD! What stronger of an opiate could the poor masses want?”