In an incredible, Ocean’s Eleven-style heist, billions of dollars in Bitcoin were copy-pasted into the thieves’ accounts.
“Imagine Bonnie and Clyde meet the Italian Job, that’s how perfect this crime was,” said Agent Fred Gubrey, the FBI agent assigned to the case. “They made billions disappear into thin air as if it wasn’t real money, because it wasn’t real money.”
The days of cash-filled vaults are behind us. Now, criminals have to steal a decentralized, untraceable currency. They have burglary on easy mode.
“We believe the team consisted of the hacking computer guy that says ‘we’re in’ and no one else,” continued Agent Gubrey. “We don’t even think they had an ice cream van with a satellite, it was just some dude in his basement.”
At press time, a petty thief sent out a bunch of Venmo requests to strangers for “beer”.