After severe turbulence in their stock price and an undeniable nosedive, Boeing has continued to insist that their stock is simply entering a steady, fully-controlled descent.
News of faulty technology and constant evasion of FAA regulations have led many to believe that the company is descending into a spiral. However, Boeing said their predictive algorithms have confirmed that they are nowhere near any sort of crash.
“We want all of our stockholders to remain calm and make any sudden movements,” said Boeing CEO Greg Calvin, talking loudly over a panic alarm blaring in his office. “We are in full control of the situation, we’re just facing some headwind.”
“Boeing is flying high and no one can tell us differently,” continued Calvin, scrambling to get into the brace position. “And it’s all thanks to the integrity of our airplanes.”
At press time, Tesla claimed that their volatile stock price was moving completely autonomously.