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Global food shortage is on the way. Inflation is tearing your wallet apart like a wild dog eating a discarded turkey leg at a Renaissance Faire, and there seems to be no end to the war in Ukraine. Jamie Dimon of JP Morgan says we should ‘brace ourselves’ for an economic hurricane, but he doesn’t tell us how, plus he’s rich as all hell. Luckily, in the Hard Money HQ, we have come up with five ways to keep you above sea level.

1. Your Subscriptions are Weighing You Down.

Boomers Might Have a Point. Did you know that canceling your subscriptions could earn you one shiny box of noodles per month? It might be wise to give up on luxury life choices like takeaway coffees, binge-watching series, and food. Plus, Netflix might provide thousands of titles to choose from, but nothing beats hunting for an intact “The Matrix Trilogy Box Set” on Craigslist free section. Also, the 2000s are back. No one will question your ‘nostalgic choice’ of using your dusty DVD player once again.

2. Ditch Foreign Travel.

How About a Staycation in Your Parents’ Basement? Nothing will bring a bigger smile to your old man’s face than learning that you’ll be moving back after turning 34. Don’t cancel your rental contract just yet! You can easily sublet your studio apartment for an extra couple of hundred without your landlord’s knowledge. While you get accustomed to your old-new setting, try to embrace a garage entrepreneur mindset: Empower yourself with curiosity, let your mind wander, and give yourself permission to fail on Forex once again, on your dad’s WiFi.

3. Convert Your Ass-ets into Cash with Pole dancing.

It is no secret that Fed will hike the interest rates regularly for a long time. This means that you will be needing cash more than your meme coin funds. Then, why not take a chance on a side gig which provides you with people literally throwing money at you? For the uninitiated, pole dancing might seem a bit physically intimidating at first. However, there is no need to worry. Never forget: Liquid assets provide you with greater flexibility. Worst comes to worst, there’s a Youtube tutorial for everything.

4. Jump in Front of Luxury Cars.

Being on a tight budget shouldn’t keep you from having harmless fun. During these trying times, not only your wallet but also your mental health needs to be in good shape. Sometimes, jumping in front of an Escalade might earn you a fat check from insurance, so you can finally get that Hollywood smile for your teeth. Just remember that there is always a risk of permanent damage, or worse, rejected insurance claims. One might dismiss the idea as petty ‘insurance fraud’, but in reality, the art of ‘flopping’ has its roots in the flop connoisseurs who survived the Great Depression.

5. Sell Your Kidney on the Black Market.

One man’s trash, another man’s treasure. You can make extra cash by just selling your unwanted clutter. Empty perfume bottles cost $5 to $10 each. Still got your old phone somewhere? It could be worth hundreds. Also, according to medical professionals, you only need one kidney to live. A single kidney costs $300,000 on illegal organ markets that are easily accessed while navigating the dark web. That is a considerable amount you haven’t been putting into good use. If you worry about how you would live with only one kidney after years of having two, you just might be stuck in the sunk-cost fallacy.

The suggestions above should work for everyone who prioritizes their wants over their basic needs. If not, we are legally obliged to state that this post is not professional and/or investment advice.