MENLO PARK, Calif. — A newly introduced artificial intelligence algorithm has learned to sense day trading patterns and in turn inverse all investment actions taken by users.
“It learns based on patterns of actions, so it sees you make a bunch of awful trades and adapts,” commented lead programmer Jason Park. “You want to short Tesla while it’s at its lowest price of the year? It’ll buy instead. You wanna buy a meme stock while it’s 40,000% overpriced? It buys a put instead. I’m hoping to implement this thing as a default on the Robinhood platform as soon as humanly possible.”
Full time day trader Liz Callum has stated the new AI program is a lifesaver.
“I was in the red somewhere in the neighborhood of $100,000, so I needed a big win,” Callum said. “This program did literally exactly the opposite of what I told it to do, and I ended up making half a mill. I’m super rich now all because this AI did the opposite of what I told it to do. I think I might be bad at day trading?”
The CEO of an unspecified hedge fund who preferred to remain anonymous expressed interest in using the AI but reprogramming it to reinforce terrible day trades.
“You guys have it backwards, we need to crush the retail traders to save the economy,” he mentioned while running away from interviewers and covering his face. “Your AI is dangerous for the market and must be destroyed… will be destroyed.”
The AI has since returned to the beta phase as reports arrive that several day traders tried to emulate the algorithm’s trading strategy, which in turn led to the AI reversing potentially good decisions and circling around to losing money again.