Rounding out a triumphant Q1, stockbroker Randall Quinn successfully broked all his clients. He gambled away the life-savings of all fourteen of his clients on TSLA call options, performing the fundamental act of the broker profession.
“I’ve been broking for about 4 years now, but this was by far my best quarter,” stated Quinn as he scoured his Bloomberg terminal for the market’s worst fundamentals. “I’m no hero, I’m just a man doing his job.”
Quinn claims that stockbroking isn’t all that hard; he even shared with us his methods. He used a combined $1.3 million from his clients to buy 100,000 TSLA call options. They all expired before TSLA hit the exercise price of $1200, and Quinn’s work was complete.
“I haven’t heard from Randall since I wired him my money,” said one of Quinn’s clients in an interview. “But he said he was the best in the broker business, and I take him at his word. I can’t wait to see my earnings.
Quinn is thinking of changing his strategy and instead defrauding investment banks with false trades. He said that he wants to shift his career path from professional stockbroker to professional stock traitor.