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Bumble Short Thesis: No One Swiped Right On Me

Dating app Bumble made its Wall Street debut today, raising $2.15 billion. Unfortunately for Bumble investors, I have to release my logical, well-researched short thesis on Bumble.

Bumble is a zero.

Why? Because none of those women swiped right on me.

My impeccable Bumble profile. Should have a 88% swipe right ratio if Bumble’s algorithm wasn’t completely broken.

Can you believe that? A successful, handsome man like myself getting zero matches on a dating app? There must be some sort of bug within the app.

It’s mathematically impossible for a desirable man like myself to not have at least a couple dozen hot, single women scrambling to land a date with me. I demand Bumble does a full audit of their technology and explain in detail how this could happen. If not, I will be forced to short Bumble all the way down to $0.

Look at the evidence: At least nine women have desired me enough to marry me. That’s nine times as many as most other men! The fact that Bumble hasn’t produced one match for me in the 132 hours I spent on the app is atrocious.