Press "Enter" to skip to content

CDC Recommends Wearing Two Masks Around Tesla Short Sellers

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta issued a stark warning today: Wear two masks when you’re within six feet of a Tesla short seller, or risk severe brain damage.

“We have noticed an alarming disorder among Tesla short sellers, and we are urging people to take precautions,” said CDC virology researcher Dr. Tom Logan. “We don’t yet know exactly what’s causing their terrible financial decision making, but we fear it may be contagious.”

The CDC is also working with the US Army to identify all Tesla short sellers and force them into quarantine for “the safety of the broader population.”

If you might have come into close contact with a Tesla short seller within the last two weeks, the CDC recommends bathing in bleach and contacting a doctor.

The CDC has yet to release its initial findings on the short seller disease, but early results indicate that the affliction is brain eating.