As the Pandora Papers leak shines an even greater light on the shady backroom dealings of our society’s most opulent upper echelon, one affluent investor has come forward to ask where his damning financial records are implicated.
In the tradition of the Panama Papers, Paradise Papers, and other notorious P-Papers, the Pandora Papers comprises 11.9 million leaked documents, a shocking bombshell 2.9 terabyte release that exposes rich people getting away with completely predictable rich people bullshit predictably scot-free.
But nowhere on that list lies a single mention of Boston-based tee-shirt magnate Barney O’Donnell. After lucking into a family fortune built on decades of political lobbying, groundfishing, and a microbrewery that somehow churns out even pissier beers than Natty Light, O’Donnell has supplanted his gravy train with a thriving online money-laundering operation.
“I ain’t know no fuckin’ stocks, cryptos, NFTs, equities, or whatever the fuck the fuckin kids are stashin’ their money in nowadays. Know what I know the kids like though? Bugs Bunny with a Supreme fit. Punisher skull Peter Griffin in Joker makeup. Walking Dead Garfield in Among Us. Better yet, tributes to their awesome, sexy, Among Us-loving welder wives.”
Barney’s Bitchin’ Shirts remains a thriving online shirt vendor and distributor to the most bottom-barrel boardwalk shirt vendors along the East Coast. In Barney’s own words, “you can wash way more freakin’ cash through the world wide web than a single kiosk or strip joint”, yet no whistleblowers, international journalists, or financial crimes investigators have given the slightest facsimile of a fuck about his shady on-shore enterprise.
“Boggles the fuckin’ mind I tell ya. I try to bring shady American business back to the US of A where it belongs, yet no one’s givin’ me the goddamn time of day! I could write 20 more rants in the local Facebook groups and have nobody bat an eye! I could make a shirt of Calvin pissin’ on the SEC logo, Patriotic Seal Team Six Minions runnin’ covert black ops on it, and they wouldn’t even see those as threats!”
Rather than rely on whistleblowers to expose his financial wrongdoings in the U.S., as they have to those in Seychelles and the Cayman Islands, O’Donnell has taken to social media to expose them himself. Despite the incessant badgering directed at friends, estranged family members, and complete strangers outright, the hashtag #BitchinAboutBarney has failed to gain much traction. Nevertheless, Barney remains hopeful it’ll catch on.
“I get that I ain’t no Shakira shaking my hips on the world stage. I get that I ain’t on the level of one of those 35 world leaders wrapped up in this Pandora thing, but you gotta admit I’m like some type of leader, right? In a sense?”
Currently, O’Donnell’s most direct dealing with the law is the interlock ignition device in his car. You can cover the fees for his 5th DUI charge and support the troops by buying his Tactical Minion Marine shirts using promo code “GENEVACONVENTIONVIOLATION”.