Wall Street is up in arms this week as the Securities and Exchange Commission tightened rules around the use of technical analysis. The changes have provoked an outcry from many but a snickering SEC enforcement director Melissa Hodgman claims they will help millions of Americans make better financial decisions.
The change that has everyone talking will require anyone making public pronouncements based on technical analysis to wear long, pointy blue hats with depictions of stars and moons on them. The rule also requires donning a long white or gray beard and flowing blue robes.
Additionally, the new regulation has mandated changes in popular terms used to describe patterns in charts. For example, a head and shoulders formation must now be referred to as “The Legendary Castle of Prince Mysterian”, while a double bottom will be known as “The Depths of Gulgryzyx”.
Opponents of the rule claim it violates their first amendment rights and that they are being unfairly singled out. “It’s not fair that we have to do this while Tesla analysts are left alone,” said analyst Jonathan Folk. “And do you know how hard it is to have a bowl of soup while wearing this beard?”
Barely able to keep a straight face, Hodgman downplayed those concerns. “I would argue that we’re working to protect millions of individual shareholders by requiring technical analysts to open their eyes really wide, wave their fingers around, and say ‘Oooooooh!’ when making forecasts,” she said. “And working for the people is what brings me to work every day with a smile on my face.”