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Cool Aunt Yellen Promises Extra Interest if We’re All Really Good

Did you hear that?! Cool Aunt Yellen promised that we could all have extra interest just as long as we’re good little participants in the national economy. She’s way more laid back than grouchy Uncle Mnuchin; remember when she slipped us a couple more coupon payments so we could have a little spending money?

“Now kids,” said Auntie Yellen, sporting her primary-colored pantsuit and a fun little scarf. “I need you all to be a little more bullish in these next couple of months. If I see that you’ve really been listening to me, I can ask my friends at the Fed to bump up the interest on your bonds, okay?”

She told me if we all promise to buy some of her world-famous treasury bonds at the securities sale, she might even think about printing a couple billion just to hold us over until next Christmas. The best aunts always have mints on hand whenever you need them.

She said if we eat our veggies and support the Department of Agriculture, she’ll dish us some extra returns on our securities. If we buy some corn futures, she might even sneak us an extra little tax break. God, she’s so cool, I wish she could be our Fed Chair and our Treasury Secretary.

She also said she’d allow us to have a couple more deficits, just because we’ve been on our best behavior. But be careful, she said that if any of us commit corporate tax evasion, we won’t get our tax rebate. But I think she’s just saying that so Grandpa Biden won’t get mad.