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Cruise Company Struggles Spell Bad News For Other Disease-Ridden Ocean Prisons

As a highly-contagious disease continues to spread throughout the world, some unexpected companies are taking a hit. Cruise ship stocks have taken on water, and investors believe that this spells bad news for other disease-ridden ocean prisons.

“We’re starting to see tough numbers from companies that rely on isolated, crowded spaces from which people literally cannot leave,” said Goldman-Sachs analyst Brendan Trent, referencing his highly-complicated model. “Something about having the exact qualities of Alcatraz seems bad for business.”

It’s unclear how far this unfortunate downturn will spread. Reports of poor customer experience have already been reported from Carnival Cruises, Norwegian Cruises, Rikers Island and Guantanamo Bay.

“Plenty of good, hard-working private companies are really struggling right now,” continued Trent. “And they need that money to update their infrastructure so patrons never leave.”

At press time, Carnival Cruises unveiled its new 40-foot water slide that winds directly into their brand-new cesspool.