Yesterday, the home of the Los Angeles Lakers made headlines after it was announced that the Staples Center is set to officially be renamed the Crypto.com Arena, following a landmark $700 million naming rights deal.
Today, across the other side of the country, the East Coast has just been hit with it’s own landmark blockchain-based venue branding change, after CumRocket CEO Lydia Lane formally announced in an official press release that the home of the Flyers & Sixers will now be christened with her company’s namesake.
“Philadelphia is a city known for having a sense of close, intimate, fraternal, and brotherly love, especially when it unites around the sports teams it likes, and throws batteries at the ones it doesn’t. So we figured it should have at least one stadium with a name that reflects that love. A name which shoves that love in your face, spreads it all over your face, and lingers on your face like a warm, permeable, viscous love juice.”
Alas, come the New Year, Lincoln Financial Field will be no more, and officially reborn as The CumRocket Colliseum. This $69 million acquisition follows an impressive naming rights partnership with Wells Fargo Bank and Comcast Spectacor, and was priced specifically at $69 “because Elon thought the sex number was even more funny and epic than the marijuana number”, per Lane’s official release.
After Jan 1, 2022, Philly fans will still be able to watch the events they know and love, but now with “arousing” exclusive perks designed to “invigorate and stimulate the spectator”. These perks include:
- The consumer freedom to pay for lukewarm overpriced draft beer in $CUMMIES
- A new signature Whiz Wit cheesesteak, hand-crafted with secret “Special Whiz”
- Titty, the Flyers mascot set to supersede Gritty
- Exclusive fan sportsbook with all the pages stuck together
- A “Cummy Cam” that rewards $69 to “The Most Colossal Chub In The Coliseum”
- Cheerleading NFT Catgirls (for the five people who would be into that sort of thing)
- A fourth-quarter “Cummy Cannon” that probably shoots what you think it shoots
- Exclusive live 18+ events, exclusive to top CUMMIES shareholders and season ticket owners
This heavily sexualized rebranding has unsurprisingly drawn little backlash or outcry from local parents, as Philly sports venues have always been debaucherous innocence-free meccas for alcoholic parents to casually shout the most vile obscenities in the English language at one another. In fact, Lane’s release ends with glowing endorsements from some of the country’s most prominent Philadelphians:
“Committin’ Geneva Convention violations on peaceful protesters can be exhausting work, and I can’t just unwind goin’ home to my third bitch wife. But wit’ these Catgirl NFT jawns, I can do the cheatin’ witout the guilt or talkback!” – Jonnie Pepperoni, disgraced PPD officer who served under disgraced PPD officer Joseph Bologna
“If there’s two things my family knows, it’s tax fraud and whipping out savory, juicy, piping hot beefers. I can’t hate on any players who’ve done the game better than us, and I’ll be there to cumswap the Coliseum’s first Special Whiz Steak order on Day 1,” – Tony Luke Jr, owner of Tony Luke’s Cheesesteaks
“I’m punching up the script for Creed 14 right now, and you know what Cyborg Adonis’ main event is gonna be in that one? Bare-knuckle, no holds barred, full penetration steel cage showdown in the CumRocket Coliseum. Twelve lingering, long lasting rounds to the death, so we can really put the ‘climax’ in climax,” – Sylvester Stallone, ‘Rocky’ star
Fans will have to wait another month and a half before they can officially call Jalen Hurts the Antichrist in the CumRocket Coliseum, but we can’t wait to see that movie, whenever it comes out.