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Dad with Zero Employable Skills in 2021 Teaches Son How to Give a Firm Handshake

Tristan Newman, 57, a dumb boomer who doesn’t understand email, is teaching his son how to give a good handshake.

“A man needs three things to get a job: eye contact, a big smile, and a confident handshake,” says Newman, an old fool completely unaware of the fact that most interviews take place over webcam where eye contact is irrelevant, and that practicing mouth smiling should come second to eye smiling, and that offering a handshake in 2021 would make employers seriously question your judgement.

“You need to print a stack of resumes and walk around town and hand them out until someone gives you a job,” says Newman, a wrinkled luddite who doesn’t know about job search boards and LinkedIn and doesn’t know that employers would be uncomfortable touching a paper resume and would think you incredibly wasteful and foolish to offer one.

“You can’t take no for an answer,” says Newman, an incompetent with no inner monologue who has been told “no” dozens of times when asking for raises and promotions at the one job he’s held all his life and is barely qualified for.

“During your interview, tell them your greatest weakness is that you’re a workaholic,” says Newman, a goddamn idiot who thinks he came up with this gem and who’s unaware that employers don’t necessarily want to hire a person who puts their job over their well-being and that worker burnout can cost companies millions of dollars.

After giving his son all the shitty advice he could think of, Newman ended his talk by offering a handshake. Newman’s son described the handshake as limp and feeble and possibly a symptom of neuropathy.