Press "Enter" to skip to content

Dave “Paper Hands” Portnoy Unable to Eat Pizza Anymore Due to His Paper Hands

Dave Portnoy, CEO of Barstool Sports, announced today he has to cancel his famed pizza review show.

Portnoy, who airs the successful show on Barstool Sports where he rates pizza across the nation, had to call it quits as he can no longer hold a slice of pizza. “El Presidente”, as he likes to be called, recently publicized losses of $700,000 from the recent GameStop $GME Rally. In the wake of his devastating gamble, he woke up to find himself with hands actually made of paper in an extra cruel twist of fate. “They were diamond hands when I bought, I swear!” he claims on his recent Instagram live stream.

In an unreleased episode of Barstool Pizza Review, a frustrated Portnoy is seen dropping a pizza coming out of a Brighton, MI Pizza Shop. He’s then seen fumbling through the mess trying to hold a slice to give his signature One Bite Rating. “It’s a little greasy for my liking, Frankie,” says Portnoy “cuts right through my paper hands”.

Frankie, the cameraman, asked if he could step in for the famed review show, in a heroic effort to save its legacy. The Paper Handed Pizza Pres is heard saying that “[he] would rather lose another $700k than have some no name loser stand in [his] spot.” Tears stream from his eyes as he cries out “ONE BITE, EVERYONE KNOWS THE RULES”.

It is unclear if or when the show will return. Portnoy was reached for comment, but was unable to answer the phone.