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Dave Portnoy Gives Back With Sports Gambling Camp for Kids

Dave Portnoy, who founded Barstool Sports and an online trading group with a green hammer, announced he was starting a sports gambling camp for kids.

“Look these shithead little kids can’t be smoking meth or whatever, they need hobbies, wholesome hobbies,” Portnoy said in a twitter video while scarfing down a slice of pizza. “Kids and sports gambling, it’s like the perfect match.”

Dave Portnoy, who has helped many businesses with the Barstool Fund, said it was time to “kick it up a damn notch and help the kids before they play jacks or something humiliating like that.”

Critics have warned early gambling is detrimental to society.

“It’s going to turn these vulnerable children, who many are um, minorities, into even more vagrants than they already are,” said Sen. Josh Hawley in a hushed tone.

However, Portnoy says these kids need to learn proper gambling values asap.

“Some of these little shits never even gambled before, can you believe that,” Portnoy added. “So I’m over here like, hey, what’s your sports team? The Marmots? What the hell is that? Whatever, who cares, we don’t care about that, we care about what kind of over/under your school team’s got in the next game, and if you got balls. Got it?”

The fund will teach children K through seventh grade the fundamentals of sports gaming through a core curriculum taught by many of the industry’s leading gamblers.

“Yeah, we got ‘em all. Tony the Lizard, what a man. The legendary Parlay Patz. Ashton Kutcher even comes in,” Portnoy said. “He even punks the hell out of them before the lesson. He’s all look, your friend is dead or whatever.”

U.S. Secretary of Education and part-time Ben Franklin impersonator Philip H. Rosenfelt said supporting this camp was the compassionate difference between the current administration and the previous one.

“These kids are gonna learn how to survive in a world that kicks ‘em in the tuchus thanks to this generous contribution by one of the most respected and upstanding people in America, David Scott Portnoy,” Rosenfelt said. “This is our path forward.”

The all-gender, inclusive pilot program camp, “Lil’ Hustlers,” is expected to launch summer of 2021 near the Brooklyn Public Library with expansion into several more cities across the U.S. by 2025.

“We don’t care what kind of kid they are as long as they have the balls to step up,” Portnoy said in a livestream.