HUDSON, N.Y. — Unsuccessful day trader Dan Kaplan recently took a scenic drive out of New York City, heading north on i87, to watch his portfolio change colors with the season, sources confirm.
“It’s getting to be that time of the year when my portfolio changes from green to red, getting ready to completely die for the winter, and nothing beats the atmosphere upstate,” Kaplan commented while calmly watching his Robinhood balance decrease. “It’s so serene and pleasant up here, you just can’t beat the crisp cool hit of reality when you open the app at 9:30 and find out how much you lost overnight.”
Danielle Mathers, the barista at the nearby Starbucks where Kaplan posts up for trading hours even remembers him year to year.
“Oh he comes by the same time every season,” Mathers stated while hanging Halloween decorations. “The leaves start changing, we’re doing either Halloween or Thanksgiving, the soundtrack in the store is already Christmas music — he sits in that corner by the window, gets a latte, logs into the complimentary WiFi, and watches his phone. Every so often he paces the lounge area, sometimes shouting unintelligibly, sometimes crying in the fetal position, but usually calmly enjoying the atmosphere. We always let him do whatever because he tips really well.”
Though Kaplan brought his family on the inaugural trip upstate, they have since learned not to accept subsequent invites.
“We went the first year and it was a real The Shining type situation,” said Kaplan’s wife Mary, while herself enjoying the calm of a Dan-less house. “I don’t need to watch the bank balance change colors, seems like a weird tradition I’ll never understand, but, to each their own I guess. Also I’d rather not witness him lose all our money first hand.”
At press time Kaplan was seen withdrawing cash from a nearby ATM, stating, “I like to drop cash on the floor and step on the crunchy bills.”