BROCKTON, Mass. — Robinhood user Jared Ross was actually straightforward about how much money he has lost day trading when writing off said losses on his taxes, IRS sources confirm.
“I’m always sending my massive gains to the group chat, all kinds of charts and graphs with rocket ship emojis… but I heard if you tell the IRS you lost money in the stonks they give you some kind of refund or something, so like, yolo, check out this epic bag I’m holding, right?” Ross stated in the most annoying way possible. “Though now I can never show anyone this record of my losses… Is this why Trump wouldn’t release his tax return? Was he hiding tiny paper hands?”
IRS agent Phil Guzman confirmed this is a common occurrence to witness in his line of work.
“I see it all the time, these day traders that stream their ‘epic wins’ online show up April 15th to deduct $25,000 worth of losses,” Guzman revealed. “We set the limit of declarable losses to $3,000 because of people like this: If you lose a little, we’ll help, but when you lose that much, dude, just stop day trading already, seriously!”
CEO of Intuit, Sasan Goodarzi announced he will be teaming up with Robinhood to streamline day traders’ ability to declare losses.
“We’re looking at a function that will automatically upload your losses to your TurboTax account so you don’t have to actually physically type it in, you know, to save traders the stress of reckoning with their annual losses,” Goodarzi commented. “Robinhood said they’re happy to allow functions like this as long as it doesn’t lose them or any hedge funds money.”
Ross later proceeded to encrypt his top-secret tax return with the most advanced security software in existence just before returning to using Robinhood on public free wi-fi.