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Day Trader Sits on Hand Until It Goes Numb so It Feels Like Someone Else Is Losing His Money

JEROME, Ariz. — Robinhood user Rob Fetter, bored of always losing his own money, simulated someone else losing his money to keep his day-to-day activities exciting, sources confirm.

“It’s called The Stranger. I sat on my right hand until it lost all feeling, then when the market opened it was business as usual,” he excitedly explained. “It really spices up the process. Every day was the same: Lie in bed and lose my own money, sit on the couch and lose my own money, go to the bathroom and lose my own money. Sometimes I even did it in the car on a long drive… It’s just nice to simulate someone else’s hand doing it finally.”

Long time friend Dennis Pewtrid was made aware of the behavior after repeatedly refusing to take over Fetter’s Robinhood account.

“He would sometimes drunk text me at like 2 AM like, ‘U up?’ and ask me to come over and place some advance trades for the next day,” Pewtrid began. “He said he was mostly just lonely and wanted someone else to lose his money for him, just for a little. I kept trying to tell him we’re just friends, I’m never going to touch his Robinhood account!”

This desire even caught the attention of Elon Musk, who announced a partnering with engineers at Fleshlight to create a realistic hand that will take over a Robinhood account for users.

“We’re using some really advanced AI algorithms to make it realistic,” Musk stated. “The self-money-losing-trading-hand — I’m excited to build a robot that loses people’s money on my other company’s stock. It’s a cool little cycle of money loss.

Though Fetter was enjoying his newfound excitement, he eventually stopped the practice after hearing rumors it can make you go blind.