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Day Trader Tries Doing Opposite Of Every Instinct, Makes Millions

GREELEY, Colo. — Henry Marist, longtime day trader and constant money-loser, has begun a new market strategy where he makes an investment decision on instinct, then proceeds to do the exact opposite, and is now a multi-millionaire, sources indicate.

“I’d been losing money for about four years straight, so I decided it was time for a change — if every instinct I have is wrong, then the opposite must be right, right?” Marist stated while finalizing the purchase of his second house. “Anytime my instincts said short something, I bought it. Anytime I thought it was time to sell, I held. Turns out I’m like Bizarro Warren Buffet.”

Marist’s strategy has been catching on as of late with fellow awful day traders.

“When I found out what he was doing, my mind was blown,” commented fellow investor Sam Chen. “My instinct was to short this pharmaceutical company because of the pandemic, so I bought a ton of pharma calls instead: the opposite. Now all those companies have vaccines in trials and are soaring. I’m literally retiring.”

Market analysts have expressed worry over the growing trend leading to successful day trading.

“What Marist has figured out is going to send the economy in a downward spiral towards an unprecedented crash,” responded Val Cambdon, market analyst. “Someone needs to be on the losing end of the market so we can take all their money. Usually, it’s dumb day traders. But now that they’ve cracked the secret code, who is gonna lose investments? They must be stopped”

At press time, Marist confirmed he has since lost the millions he made after getting confused, stating, “Are my first instincts still actually instincts or have I gotten so used to doing the opposite that now my first instincts are the opposite of my instincts, and therefore the opposite is actually the opposite of the opposite? Anyway, I tried doing the opposite of the opposite of the opposite of the opposite and ended up circling back to my initial instincts and am now broke.”