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Dear Hard Money: I’m 28, Have $12,000 In Credit Card Debt, $48,000 In Student Loans And Make $14/hr At An Office Job I Hate – How Soon Can I Retire?

Dear OfficeSchmo453:

Great question and thanks for your interest in Hard Money, which is absolutely the right place to seek out sound financial planning advice. You can trust us. And while many of the prominent financial magazines, webinars and “star personalities” will tell you what you want to hear, we here at Hard Money take our role as a beacon of financial literacy very seriously and will tell you what you need to hear. And what you need to hear is that you’ve spent so much time worrying about when to retire that you’ve failed to realize something very important:

You’re already retired.

You made it, kid.

You’re golden.

$60,000 in debt and $14/hour at a job you hate? Yeah, you’re retired, baby! Livin’ the dream. You show us a retired person these days who doesn’t have to earn a little cash on the side to make ends meet because their 401k’s a pile of dog shit and we’ll show you a Powerball winner or a CEO being gently buffered by the warm winds of success as they float down to Earth with the help of a big, beautiful, golden parachute.

And thanks to this sphincter-kick of a global pandemic, an “office job” means there’s a good chance you’re working from home, on your couch, lounging in your pajamas. What says, “Hey, I’m an easy-breezy retiree” more than sittin’ around on the couch in your pajamas at two in the afternoon? Yeah, you’re doing just fine.

Take the Hard Money mailroom dude’s dad, for example. He’s in his late 60s and works eight part-time jobs. He’s on his feet more than he was when he was not retired and that’s just to keep the lights on, pay the medical bills for him and his wife and feed and house a son who works in the mailroom of an online financial news satire magazine so, yeah, there’s a good chance he’ll never be able to support himself.

And you’re only 28! With no dependents!

Lucky you, you get to be retired and live the sweet life for the next 50+ years, my friend.

So sit back and enjoy. And remember, don’t spend much too much time worrying about The Future and make sure you’re basking in The Now because this is as good as it gets until you die.

All the best!