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Debt Ceiling: Gov Narrowly Averts Most Boring Crisis Ever

WASHINGTON — US Senate Majority Leader Chuck Shumer said Thursday an agreement had been reached with Republicans to extend the government’s borrowing authority into December. In their agreement, Republican and Democratic leaders edged back from a standoff over lifting the nation’s borrowing cap, with Democratic senators accepting an offer from Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell, thereby averting the most boring crisis ever.

“We worked late into the night,” Bernie Sanders told reporters, “which was very difficult because of how sleep inducing this situation already was.”

The deal ends a mind numbing month of the Treasury Department warning it would quickly run short of funds to handle the nation’s debt, which would cause the country to default for the first time ever. Response on social media over the solution has been just as unexciting as the problem, with most users saying they either hadn’t heard of the debt crisis in the first place or were more concerned with finding Brian Laundrie, suspected killer of fiance Gaby Petito. “I think my dad mentioned something about this at dinner or something?” teenager Sarah Brooks commented.

The market responded positively to the news, with most stocks rising enough to generate news stories, but not enough to make the stories interesting. “We ended up doing the dull thing everyone knew we were going to do,” Mitch McConnell explained. “At some point, America will have to answer for its $27 Trillion of debt, and maybe that will lead to some compelling news, but for now it’s business as usual.”