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Desperate Paypal to Institute 70% Transaction Fees to Compete with Ethereum

PayPal announced this week that it would begin charging a 70% transaction fee on all payments in order to compete with the Ethereum cryptocurrency. According to sources within the company, PayPal executives scrambled to find some way to compete with Ethereum’s complex transactions that usually take a massive cut of the transaction.

“Ethereum’s gas fee is such a great innovation,” said PayPal VP of Payments Brad Gorsch. “We call our cut a “transaction fee” and charge just 3.5%, which is clearly not appealing to millennials and Gen-Z. It’s clear that Ethereum is winning the race with its sleek “gas fee” and 70% fees.”

PayPal also plans to rewrite much of its software to make sending payments far more confusing. Instead of allowing users to send payments with just a few clicks, PayPal plans to copy the Ethereum customer experience by making users use three different platforms to send, store, and receive payments.

“PayPal will soon be the king of online payments again,” Gorsch said on Twitter. “Once we start taking 70% to 100% fees on payments under a thin veil of innovation, PayPal will be on top once again.”