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Devastating News For Your Portfolio Detailed In Article Behind Paywall

NEW YORK — A bombshell revelation in the market that will have a colossal impact on your portfolio has been detailed in an article if you just sign up for $9.99/month, sources strongly allege.

“There are so many moving parts, various hedge funds are restructuring, index funds are moving positions, there is going to be a global shift that will completely change your portfolio,” stated a Business Insider article’s lede. “For not even $10, you can view the rest of the article and find out what you’re in for. This is going to change everything.”

David Mathers, writer for Business Insider, stated he painstakingly researched the article containing this massive nuclear bomb of a market move.

“I break it down in intricate detail, exactly what is happening, how it will affect you, and how to avoid getting completely demolished by it,” Mathers commented. “If you don’t want to lose all of your investments, I highly recommend reading this article immediately.”

Dana Sadler, a representative for Business Insider, implied this particular moment will likely be the most important in your investing career.

“We’ve had articles in the past that talk about a devastating blow to your portfolio, but this is the one,” Sadler said. “You need to drop everything right now and read this article. This is a public service to save you from loss. We’re doing God’s work with this one. You have to read it.”

After finally paying the $9.99, it turned out the article discussed an index fund adding a few more shares of Apple ahead of the next iPhone release, with analysts speculating it would “barely effect the market, maybe make your portfolio go up a point or two.”