Another entrepreneur making huge moves! This time around, a young upstart named Dylan Markin beat the market and bought 100 million doses of the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine so he can resell them for a healthy profit on Shopify.
“I used to just dropship Tupperware in bulk from Alibaba, but when I heard all this COVID-19 talk, I realized that the vaccine has a nice value proposition,” explained Markin through a brand new diamond grill he was clearly still trying to get a hang of. “I just called Pfizer pretending to be the Governor of Minnesota and they said they’d expedite the shipping. This business stuff is so easy.”
Markin admits he started fairly deep in the red after renting storage space in 100,000 industrial-grade liquid nitrogen freezers, but sales have already started to skyrocket on his store, fuckcovid.shopify.com. Markin has distributed more than 31 million doses so far, making him the world’s most productive vaccine distributor.
“It really just needed a rebrand. No one wants to get a boring mRNA vaccine, they want to buy a lifestyle,” continued Markin. “That’s why I started my ‘FuckCovid’ store, where customers can get an all-inclusive vaccination experience, with a sterile needle and novelty t-shirt included.
At press time, it was revealed that a Shopify shipping error resulted in thousands of high-risk American citizens receiving pairs of limited-release Jordan 11s, while a confused, rich 7th grader got a bunch of needles.