PALO ALTO, Calif. — Tesla, Inc. CEO Elon Musk has been convicted of insider trading after tweeting “dude i wouldn’t buy tesla rn lol 3% dip tmrw” to a Twitter user named @CuckWad98 last fall.
“It’s the strangest thing; the guy’s a billionaire. All he has to do is not tweet potential SEC infractions to random people on Twitter,” said market analyst Stephen Holmes. “Like, I get it if you wanna help your buddies make a little bit of money. Everybody does it and it’s considered, in the biz, ‘cool as hell.’ But why would you randomly help out some guy on Twitter you’ve never even met? Hell, I’m pretty sure he was responding to one of those bots that shows up to say you can watch movies for free on vodlocker.”
“And I just got a text from Elon,” Holmes added. “Says I’m a pedo. Again.”
Musk, however, insists that he has not done anything illegal with his Twitter account.
“It’s so ridiculous that people can’t understand a joke when they see one. Is it my fault that it happened to come true? Of course not,” Musk explained. “Look up comedy. I mean seriously, go to google dot com and type in comedy. Every day I look at the dankest memes on the interwebs so that I can be the ultimate web jokester and I guess the world just can’t keep up! I have a meme for everything: when Tesla stock is about to go up in the next few days, when Tesla stock is about to go down in the next few days, when you have a child, etc. It’s all just a laugh!”
Despite the controversy, Musk’s fans have continued to support him online. A thread on Reddit’s r/WallStreetBets titled “Daddy Musk descends from the Heavens to grant one lucky peasant Knowledge from Above” reached 17 thousand upvotes today.
“thank you papa,” reads roughly 500 identical comments in the thread.
At press time, musician Grimes deleted a tweet begging Musk to stop tweeting company secrets.