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Elon Musk Demolishes S&P Valuation Into Oblivion By Tweeting “More Like Suck & Penis”

After a bad start this morning, the SPDR S&P 500 Trust ETF value has precipitously plummeted into clear, desolate, decimated nonexistence. The catalyst? None other than the legally permissible market manipulator himself, Mr. Elon Reeve Musk.

“I thought it’d be funny to @SPGlobal and tell them that it looks like Standard & Poor’s getting poorer. But then, an even better lightbulb lit in my head, a lightbulb mined deep from the depths of middle school, not that I would’ve ever done public school like one of those dirty poors.”

What started as a 12-year-old’s lowest common denominator parlance of humor became the most radical disruption to our economy since the COVID-19 pandemic first hit this past March. In essence, Musk has figuratively brought the ending to Fight Club to life, blowing up 500 of the market’s top superstructures with the words “suck” and “penis”.

Following Musk’s fateful tweet, the @SPGlobal account immediately went offline, as did all other accounts associated with the S&P. The whereabouts of their social media interns are currently unknown.

“I can’t believe it,” lamented Jeff Bezos, soon-to-retire CEO of the S&P’s leading company, “I thought I would remain the world’s leading technocratic wealth hoarder, but in five words, he just toppled my entire house of cards like that.”

With most of their leadership’s wealth wiped out, much of the S&P 500’s leading companies have transformed into democratized worker co-ops. This comes much to the adoration of people who hate labor exploitation and wage theft, but to the chagrin of those who don’t hate it enough to want their favorite Amazon Prime shows delayed.

“A lot of people like comparing me to Lex Luthor, and to be fair, we both are bald megalomaniacal obscenely-rich guys. But now, I think the most apt comic book villain comparison is Ozymandias, a boundless and bare colossal wreck in the sand.”

Fed Chairman Powell tried to assuage large institutional investors’ anxieties over this massive disruption, assuring them that this restructuring is “transitory” and that the “meme movie theater people” would not dominate global markets for long.

The SEC formally praised Musk’s comeback as “cool and good”, and announced that they would not take further action against his social media posts, nor the Joker-mask-wearing proletarian little guy uprising in the streets.

As for Musk’s thoughts on inadvertently inciting an economic revolution by tweeting the words “suck & penis”, he remarked to our reporters that it’s “kinda funny I guess.”

“I stand by my old tweets about being a capital-socialist revolutionary. Motherfucker, I’m the ultimate socialist-capitalist-thirdway-ist, or whatever Gaddafi was trying to do with slightly less tyranny. Just like my favorite socio-capitalist role model, Karl Marx. Me & Grimes really pride ourselves on being really smart coherent economy understanders. We’ve got a really good Tik Tok about buying up Titan Token in the works!”