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Father Who Can’t Open PDF Certain Crypto Will Never Work

The world’s foremost tech expert, a dad who cannot open a PDF file, expressed his concerns today about the future of decentralized cryptocurrency. John Brooks, who did not own a cellphone until 2015, gave an unprompted press conference on his son’s investing habits during dinner last night, announcing his lack of faith in crypto.

“I’ve been around these things long enough to know what’s what,” the 61-year-old said, gesturing to his bloatware-infested eMachine desktop, “anytime the computer tells you you won a lot of money, it gets slower. This ‘BiteCoin’ stuff is no different.”

Alternatives to traditional fiat currency like BitCoin and Ethereum have become popular in recent years, graduating from their status as “the stuff you use to buy drugs,” but Brooks remains unconvinced.

“I mean you’ve gotta be able to hold something to have it, you know?” said the 61-year-old retired firefighter, “all these coins is just gonna disappear one day and then you’re in trouble. Luckily I still got my GM stock certificates.”

We’re unsure whether the recent negative market reaction is in response to this statement from Brooks or a series of Elon Musk tweets about the PS5, but suffice to say, among the crowd which values the opinion of a man with a Hotmail address, crypto’s reputation is in danger.