Today the FBI announced that it had successfully recovered the $2.3M paid to Darkside, the hacking organization that infiltrated the Colonial Pipeline last month. ““There is no place beyond the reach of the FBI to conceal illicit funds,” stated FBI Deputy Director Paul Abbate. “This is the first time in eight years that we have gotten our hands on some Bitcoin, and we are excited to reinstate the Silk Road black market operation.”
The FBI actually created the Silk Road website to let agents sell items they recovered from criminals. “For three years, we let our raid agents sell some of their goods on the Silk Road for Bitcoin. I’m talking marijuana, cocaine, AK-47s, uranium, etc. Our guys work hard to get dangerous paraphernalia off of the streets, so they deserve a piece of the pie. After we sell the stuff to new criminals, we then track them down, repo everything, and do it all again.”
When asked about Bitcoin being untraceable, the FBI Deputy Director started snickering.
“We made a burner account on some Bitcoin forum 10 years ago and made up a lie that Bitcoin was untraceable LOL. Idiots online actually believed us, so it made our job way easier. Of course we can trace Bitcoin. We raid criminals and take all of their stuff. Then we log onto the Silk Road using our account “Def_N0T_FB1xX” and sell some of the shit to other criminals. Then we trace their address and do it all over again. Hell of a business model.”
The FBI had to shut down the Silk Road eight years ago as the CIA started to catch on to their game. However, now that the Bureau has some Bitcoin again, they might as well reopen the old site.