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Fed Hikes Self-Interest Rates

Federal Reserve presidents and millionaires Robert Kaplan and Eric Rosengren announced Thursday they hiked the self-interest rates during a year in which the central bank took emergency steps during the COVID-19 pandemic in order to prevent the total collapse of their stock gains.

“In times of economic crisis, the Fed will use its tools in unprecedented ways to rescue parts of the financial system and prevent a greater disaster,” said Rosengren, “My REITs were on the brink of taking this whole country down with them, they were too big to fail.”

Both Rosengren and Kaplan announced they will sell off their individual shares to reinforce their commitment to locking in gains.

Kaplan, a former Goldman Sachs executive and present benevolent economic official (wink wink), made almost two dozen trades of $1 million in the past year, netting him a ton of Reddit karma on WallStreetBets gain porn posts. Though the decision to sell off has the retail trading community labeling him as “paper hands.”

The trading histories of the central bank presidents, who control the success of the US economy and have the ability to directly affect major industries, raise many questions, such as “wait this is allowed?” and “why?”