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Federal Reserve Promises to Print 3 Billion New Robinhood Users

The Federal Reserve announced a massive qualitative easing program today which includes the printing of 3 Billion new Robinhood users, according to a statement released today.

“The coronavirus outbreak has harmed communities and disrupted economic activity in many countries, including the United States,” The fed said in a statement, “Using cutting edge science to create billions of half-human robinhood users is the last hope to shelter the economy from the effects of the virus.”

Despite the aggressive move, the market’s initial response was negative, as many investors were spooked about the long term implications of feeding and housing the sub-human users, who are believed to have vastly different mental and physical characteristics compared to US Citizens.

“I’m concerned about the long term effects of printing this many Robinhood users. Have you seen the way some of them are coming out?” Peter Schiff, noted critic of qualitative easing, said. “I mean, these are really sad looking people. The science just isn’t there yet — even if the idiots on CNBC (where I’m no longer invited) don’t understand it. I think this is bullish for gold.”

The program is part of the Fed’s function as the “breeder of last resort” to the economy. Institutions can use the fed for population needs, though some are reluctant to do as it can indicate they are experiencing deeply moral and philosophical issues and thus sends a bad message.
As of press time Robinhood was down.