NEW YORK — Apps such as Cashapp and Robinhood have given rise to ‘fractional trading’, allowing users unable to afford full shares of expensive securities like Twitter or Snap the opportunity to also lose all their money in the market, just like everyone else, sources indicate.
“I kept seeing friends make moves in the market, but I could never afford to jump in, so this is a great opportunity for me,” stated Robinhood user Samantha Feder. “I put my last paycheck directly into the app and got exactly .15500821018 shares of Amazon stock. Sure it dropped soon after, and I lost most of my investment, but still, it only needs to go up about $6,451,271,186.47 per share for me to retire to an island a rich, rich lady — to the moon baybee!”
Square founder Jack Dorsey introduced fractional trading on the Cashapp recently in an effort to compete with fintech apps like Robinhood.
“We felt it was important to be inclusive,” commented Dorsey via video chat from a remote undisclosed location in Uganda. “Just because you can’t afford blue-chip stocks, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get the chance to dump your life savings into the market and have it all erased by the afternoon because Elon Musk tweeted something dumb or whatever. You wanna invest in that random pharma company that Reddit claims is the next Amazon, then have it get de-listed a few days later and go bankrupt? Sure, we got you covered.”
Though dangerous for individuals, market analyst Melinda Roberts confirmed most in her industry believe the new trend to be relatively harmless.
“Anyone who can’t afford full shares, I tell them not to invest, but if they wanna lose what little money they have like everyone else, let them, it won’t affect us,” Roberts said while prepping for a meeting with yet another bankrupt Robinhood user. “It’s actually pretty progressive, sort of an equal opportunity situation, right? Someday they’ll listen to me and buy into index funds, but for now, sure, lose your entire paycheck, why not?”
At press time, a representative from the FDIC added, “This is the land of opportunity. Our nation’s financial system has always and will always mean equal opportunity to lose your money in the market.”