ESSEX, Conn. — Hometown friends of Matt Zelner have removed him from their group text thread after he announced he was downloading the Robinhood stock trading app, sources allege.
“We went to high school together and tried to keep in touch via text, but as soon as I saw the message ‘Boys, I just downloaded Robinhood, let’s priiiiiiiint’ followed by a stonks GIF, I knew he had to go,” Zelner’s childhood friend Ben Tannen confirmed. “Gotta just nip that in the bud, can’t have engagement announcements and baby announcements being interrupted with ‘Fellas, buy that dip’ or ‘To the moon baybeeee’. I’m just being proactive on this one.”
Zelner expressed disappointment at being removed from the chat, but was not surprised.
“Back in April another friend in the chat downloaded Robinhood and made 6-figures shorting the crash and wouldn’t shut up about it, so I get it,” he stated. “It’s unfortunate I won’t get to socialize with my best friends in the whole world, especially now when we all need it the most, but whatever, I’m all about that tendies life now. Let’s cook!”
Psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Jane Chan commented on the shifting dynamic, verifying Zelner’s removal as the proper course of action.
“I’ve seen this before, one guy in the group gets into trading, then texts non-stop about gains,” she added. “It’s almost as bad as the friend that gets into CrossFit and ironically also texts non-stop about gains… though instead of screenshots of his portfolio, the CrossFit friend sends shirtless selfies — not sure which is worse, the data is unclear on that one, but suffice to say, both are pretty unbearable.”
Zelner eventually requested re-entry into the group text, stating he “lost it all and will never mention it again,” though the request was denied under suspicion he would relapse.