GME investors were waiting with bated breath, sweat-beaded foreheads, and Cheeto-dusted palms for the Gamestop post-earnings call later this afternoon. As the company’s share valued has exploded exponentially this year amid the meme stock boom, apes and hodlers the world over were anticipating a defiant earnings day, subverting the company’s track record of choppy, turbulent share performance after post-earning calls.
Were, that is, until CEO Ryan Cohen released a regretful press statement, where he regretted to inform GME traders where their investments have really been going.
“I am afraid to announce that we are putting the company’s quarter post-earnings calls on indefinite hiatus, both for the year’s prior, and perhaps for any fiscal quarters in the foreseeable future.”
After the extended Labor Day weekend, Cohen returned to Gamestop’s Corporate Office Headquarters in Grapevine, Texas, only to return to a debaucherous orgy of Hitomi Tanaka body pillows, used Playstation 3 games, and droves of discarded Doritos Cool Ranch bags. Cohen alleges that his field office supervisors spent an inordinate amount of company time playing the QTE sex minigames from the original God Of War, and that HQ was far from the only corporate office misappropriating company funds.
“I don’t even wanna say how much of our nationwide earnings have been allocated toward used games, premium porn, porn games, V-Bucks, Robux, McDonald’s Dollar Menu, Mountain Dew Code Red Sonic porn, OnlyFans, Yoshi porn, premium Snapchats, GTA V Shark Cards, just the most fucking depraved hentai lolicon and Rule 34 art buried in the deepest darkest recesses of the internet. It’s not surprising, but it’s not pretty.”
After sternly, solemnly wagging his finger at his subordinates, Cohen obliged OSHA to condemn his own corporate headquarters, citing the dangerously high levels of body odors and bodily fluids. Despite being declared the second deadliest biohazard in the state of Texas, behind every other public property in the state of Texas, Cohen remains cautiously, uncertainly optimistic about his company’s future.
“I was motivated to start Chewy because of my own love for dogs, and even though I think they could express it better, I am heartened to watch this company embrace the mutual passions of it’s customer base as well. I was trepidatious when I learned that 8% of our budget went toward installing industrial nacho cheese machines in every one of our office locations, but you know what? Maybe buying the fucking dip will churn some cheddar after all.”